Take Control
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” - Maya Angelou
When I worked as a school counselor in elementary and middle schools, I had this conversation over and over. A student would enter my office, sometimes in tears, telling me a story from recess or lunch. Inevitably, it was a story of someone being unkind to them. My time, especially while working in middle school, was filled with these stories. I had the unique ability to connect with middle school girls, so my office was always full during lunch time. I listened to what others considered “drama.” I listened without telling them to get over it. I listened without minimizing their intense feelings. I listened to them talk about how some other girl was ignoring them, giving them dirty looks, excluding them, talking about them, or blatantly saying mean things to them. I sat with them while they cried. And then I stopped them. I asked them the question, “so what are you going to do?” They would pause a minute. And then they would usually say, “I just want them to stop. Can’t you make them stop?”
I truly wish I had that kind of power. I wish I could simply wave a magic wand and make middle school girls be kind to one another. But alas, I don’t have that kind of power. I recognized that my direct interference into these touchy situations could make them worse. I could call the “offenders” into my office and tell them to stop, or I could ensure that they got some form of punishment for their actions (and if this was truly a bullying incident, I absolutely would have). But could I really make them stop?
So what did I do to help support these girls? What did I do to help them learn this difficult life lesson? We talked a lot about the concept of power. I always gave them a choice between the following options, because there is power in choices:
Option 1: I could get directly involved by talking to the other students and/or giving them a consequence for their actions. We talked about what might happen if I did this, and most likely, they realized it could make it worse.
Option 2: I could coach them on how best to communicate with the other students regarding how they felt and what they wanted. We could rehearse and role play a strong message to the other person. I consider this to be a valid option, but only if they also choose Option 3.
Option 3: I could teach them that they have absolutely no control over another person’s choices. The only thing they can control is their own thoughts, feelings and actions. And even if they delivered a beautiful statement about how they felt and what they wanted to do to mend or begin a friendship, they have no control over how the other person chooses to respond.
Option 4: Almost an addendum to Option 3, they could choose to not actually DO anything. The work they do in this option is all internal and invisible to others. Because recognizing that they have the power to control their own feelings, thoughts, and actions is powerful. They can choose to not allow another person’s actions to ruin their day, cause them to feel bad about themselves, or make them angry. Because their actions really aren’t about “you.”
These situations follow us into adulthood and into our interactions in life and work. We can all think of times during which we were frustrated by the actions of others and allowed it to poison our thoughts and ruin our days. This last year has been a true lesson in learning the difference between what we can control and what we simply cannot. It’s so easy to allow the daily news, filled with political divisiveness, racial injustice and unrest, and a global pandemic to ruin your day. It’s so easy to allow someone’s post on social media to derail your positive mood and drag you into a fruitless debate with no positive outcome. It’s so easy to get pulled into thoughts of gloom and doom with the state of the country/world, and even easier to stay in those thoughts. And while the realization that we can’t do anything about most of it happening around us could be overwhelming, engaging in the following can help:
Wellness - Concentrating on our physical and emotional wellness is key to managing the feelings of stress and anxiety. Getting proper nutrition, exercise and sleep are key to creating balance and overall wellness. Journaling, reading, creating art, or listening to music can be great outlets to support our emotional wellness.
Positive self-talk - Reframing negative thoughts into positive ones is essential to pull ourselves out of a downward spiral. This can simply be reminding yourself of all the things you DO have control over. Saying, “I know this situation is difficult, but I know I am strong enough to handle it.”
Create a routine - There is something comforting in routine. When everything feels out of control, creating and sticking to a consistent routine (consistent waking time, exercise, work, leisure, etc.) can keep us feeling focussed and in control.
Another thing essential to our wellbeing is connection. Spend time with others, facetime with a friend, grab coffee with a coworker, or have a virtual happy hour with old or new friends. All of these can give us a reminder that we aren’t alone. As a coach I can help to bring focus and clarity to what is within your control. I can help you figure out what comes next. Reach out and let me know what in this post resonated with you. I would love to hear how you are taking charge of what's within your control.
