My Pursuit of Mindfulness
The definition of mindfulness is “a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations” (Oxford Dictionary). It seems like such a simple concept, but have you really tried it? I mean really tried it? When I think about it, I’m not sure I have given it enough energy and persistence. I have tried sporadically over the years with limited success. I have been exploring mindfulness with renewed purpose amidst our current situation of social distancing. I personally have had a lot of time at home, mainly by myself, with time I can spend on more internal pursuits and reflection. But oh is it a challenge!
My mind is always on the go. I am a thinker. An analyzer. A planner. I rehash old conversations in my head. I rehearse future conversations in my head. I plan my lunch while I’m drinking my coffee. And while I eat lunch, I’m planning my last bite so that I can always end with my favorite flavors. I plan my travel routes for errands to make sure I don’t waste time or backtrack, and I visualize myself driving and completing the tasks. I write my blog posts first in my head before I commit them to text. I even compose text messages in my head first before I write and send them. When I try to turn off my thoughts, to stop thinking and remain in the present, I struggle. And then I think about how I’m struggling. It's an endless cycle.
My quest for mindfulness, or should I say relaxation, since mindfulness wasn’t really part of my vocabulary back then, started in my twenties. My first “real career” was the owner/manager of a day spa. So my job was helping people relax and feel great. Sounds super glamorous right? We were in the business of self-care before it was part of our regular vocabulary. But even then, in my twenties, I just couldn’t figure out how to relax, even though I was excellent at guiding others into a relaxed state. I had regular massages while working there, and before each session I would say to the massage therapist “I’m going to stay silent and relax this time.” Right! I lasted maybe 15 minutes before my constant inner dialogue would come out and I would chat the entire time.
I am a counselor by trade, so I have studied and have utilized in practice how to use our inner dialogue to work through stress and anxiety. I have led groups of students through guided meditation and taught them how to use their breath to calm themselves when angry, stressed, or anxious. It’s much easier to teach someone else to do it. I’ve tried guided meditation apps for myself but didn’t give them enough time to stick. I tried flotation therapy and loved it. It's a sensory deprivation capsule where you are floating in a foot of highly salinated water. Sounds crazy but is actually really relaxing. I kept trying to listen to my breathing and float into a relaxed state, and it worked somewhat, but then my inner dialogue would kick in to give me a running commentary about how I’m starting to relax. But looking back at all of the things I attempted in my pursuit of relaxation and mindfulness, I didn’t repeat anything long enough for it to stick. I gave up too easily when I wasn’t instantly successful.
Research tells us there is a strong mind-body connection. And I believe this! Runners gush about how they use running as their therapy and can solve all their problems, soothe their anxiety, and find balance during a long run. So I have been trying to find my “thing” now for my entire adult life. Walking, light jogging, yoga, spin class, and others I can’t remember right now have all had a brief place in my life. I have joined and quit numerous fitness clubs and gyms. But again, I never stuck with anything long enough for it to become a habit. I haven’t made anything an essential part of my life. Until now. This year (with an interruption for COVID closure and a knee injury occurring at the same time) I have found Pilates. It has been the only thing ever that I truly miss when I can’t get there, and that I schedule on my calendar every week. And I’ve even begun incorporating breath into the practice and try to be present in the moment. It's a work in progress but one I am committed to.
I’m not giving up on my pursuit of mindfulness and relaxation. I am trying to take small moments each day instead of making it a “big thing.” Getting to see the sun rise while walking my puppy in the morning is also a new pursuit I’m loving. I don’t have any answers about what works, only that it is a journey. It’s not something that I will wake up one day and say “oh, now I am mindful, I’m done.” But baby steps and small moments to build upon are a good start.
